The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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