It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
