Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
