i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
