Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
