Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
