when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
