all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
