nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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