Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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