Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
