He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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