i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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