Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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