dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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