At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
