either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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