I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
