how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
