Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Pants are for mortals
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
