tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
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I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize