I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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