I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
