matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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