hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
