Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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