i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
