**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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