I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sext me about skeletons
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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