Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
