If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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