I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
