I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
