My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
jump out the window naked night went bad
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