my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My butt remains clenched, sir.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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