we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
