you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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