if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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