Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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