Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
