I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
