Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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