You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
