There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
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I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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