I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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