i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
