i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
