I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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