am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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