did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
