you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
